Final days before departure

All the plans that Corinne and I had made for our future had to be junked. It was hard not to lament that one of the big reasons we'd sacrificed so much time together, across so many years, as I traveled the world and worked ungodly hours -- namely, so that on the other side of it we could enjoy a prosperous retirement together -- had been a tease, only we hadn't known it. In my wallet, I even carried a photo of the dream spot to which we planned to retire -- Stone Canyon, Arizona -- but that dream was gone now. Same with all my other personal goals for 2006, 2007, and every year after that.
--- Eugene O' Kelly, Chairman & CEO of KPMG (US) in Chasing Daylight

The other day, I was once again waylaid at Times Bookshop on my way to Esplanade Library. This hardcover book was placed right near the entrance and having recently finished reading Pigtopia in hardcover, I got very tempted to pick this up and browse. It moved me to action.

I began reading this morning, and the paragraph left a huge impact for the entire day. It is true, that many of us put things off and shelve them for a later date, because we believe that we will come to it later. Some of us work so hard now, because we think there'll always be time to enjoy it later.

I confess, I'm guilty of the latter thought.


But in Chasing Daylight, I was reminded to plan what I would do with the final weeks before I die. I thought about it, and it frightened me, because I'm not ready to leave.

I don't know which is worse, dying in an accident or being told you only have 3 months to live. I reckon the former will be most painful for the loved ones around me, but the latter is worse for me.

With shock and abrupt departures, there'll be regrets aplenty. When you are actually given time to plan how you are going to spend the last few weeks of your life, you have that opportunity to finish the final tasks and leave no one with regrets.

Even then, will I be ready?

I know time will never be enough.

I wonder, had Eugene known that he would have to go at a certain date at a certain time on a certain month and year, would he have been less of a businessman and more of a husband and father. Would he?

For a man like him who plans months ahead due to the nature of his job, I believe he would have a clear strategy how to live out his years if he had he known how long it would be.

The book is a strong reminder for me, how not to take my life and the lives of those I love, for granted. And maybe sometimes, we really should let go of some commitments, take time off to do the things we really want to do and, spend time with family and loved ones. Because you never know. There might not be a tomorrow for you to make up for it.

Time for attachment

There are 2 seasons in my calendar.

One for breaking-up and one for getting hitched/married/attached.

Break Up Season starts in August and ends with the year. Hitch Season will start in the new year until beginning of July. After which there is a one month lull period for couples who are contemplating break up to actually do it come August.

Now of course we're in February, the month of LURVE. Friends around me are suddenly happily attached (again), with the girlish giggle at the mention of "my boyfriend". Then there's Lilin and her second baby, a boy this time! And of course a handful of people getting engaged, married or have gotten married in some part of the island. It's certainly a season for celebration.

The other day, an acquaintance started to drop the phrase "my husband" in our very casual conversation and I vaguely remembered there hadn't been the mention of that at all last year. We aren't that close friends, but we get along so it's no surprise I do not know of her engagement much less marriage.

"So how do you feel being married?" I asked her.
"The first night in our new flat, I cried! I wanted to go home to my mother's place. 28 years I've been living there and now I'm suddenly in a strange environment," she replied truthfully.

Which makes me wonder, is there really joy in marriage?

Another girlfriend who was there suggested to go shopping. And the just-wedded galfriend said, "Cannot la, now must support the home. Still paying for the flat. No money to even go honeymoon."

The liabilities and commitment of a union...

She looked at me very seriously and said, "You really must save to get married. It's very expensive. The flat renovation already about 20K..."

Erm..ok.

The other day, a doctor I went to started asking me weird questions about marriage and pregnancy. He wanted to find out if I'm someone who would get married and have babies. Sure why not?

"Imagine your figure will go haywire."

Erm...that's ok, I'll find a way to get it back.

"Okay....imagine a baby, who's head is so big (uses his hands to show me the size), squeezing out from your there...not scared ah?"

Err...of what? Isn't there suppose to be rather elastic?

"Hmm...okay...imagine you will have ugly stretch marks."

That's ok, I already have them anyway.

"Oh but that's different, it's really ugly, and ur skin will be loose and sagging, not scared ah?"

(Looks at him in a ridiculous way) No.

"Basket, didn't manage to scare you."

But of course all this was before the news about how this woman's pelvic bones were crushed from giving birth to her huge baby. Which reminds me very much of the book I just finished called "Pigtopia" by Kitty Fitzgerald. It's so good I think I'm going to read it again. In fact, I think schools should make this the new secondary literature text instead of her previous "Charlotte's Web".

Anyway, I digressed. It is quite intimidating, the idea of supporting a life in that tummy and the life commitment to it.

Urgh...all this pregnancy and giving birth talk is making me nauseous.

That very same day at my hairstylist salon, while I was having a hair treatment session, he started telling me about this place I should go for my honeymoon. And you know how expressive hairstylists can be, so he was just going on and on about this place in Papua New Guinea and what I can do with my husband there. When he left the room, the lady working on my head started giving me her own suggestions of where to go and then after a while she asked me, "End of the year ah?" I went like what? She asked, "You getting married end of the year?"

My head almost slipped back into the sink.

"TO WHO?"
Well, now you can imagine how EXPRESSIVE my hairstylist was to give her the wrong impression.

It's scary. Imagine if someone else was listening in to our conversation and misunderstood the way she did? Rumours will be rife of my secret engagement or something.

It is all a little too far-fetched for now. Honestly, it is a massive decision to make getting married and/or having babies, something which I am still quite intimidated by the thought of.

But then, as the just-wedded-galfriend said, after spilling the truth of her stress of marriage, "It's different when you're marrying someone you love la."

I guess so. I'll tell you when that happens.

Strawberry Shortcake

Sweet and all things nice.

Just what I need.

Some childhood memory jolt of dolls that have a scent.

I wish I was a kid again.

Crashing waves

I pushed the board out into the sea and heaved myself onto it.
Dog paddle.
I dug my arms into the water, working against the current.
The further from the beach, the greater the thrill.
I slipped.
I can't feel the seabed.
Track water.
I got up on the board.
And then the waves came crashing down.

There comes a time when everything seems to be tough and you just wonder how you'd ever plough through all that mud. And after a while, you get on track and things start to pick up.

It's not so bad after all.

Just when you are on the base of your curve to climax, everything falls apart.

Everyone I care about or who cares about me are all away or going away.
Someone will be flying somewhere, someone currently flying to somewhere or someone has already flown to somewhere. Then, a dear friend has fallen terribly sick.

It's like someone suddenly decides to take away all the people dear to me and put them far far away.

Just when I need that shoulder to lean on.

Just to cry.

Because a sturdy shoulder beats a soggy pillow anytime.

It never occured to me how much a friend means to me, until she told me she was leaving. Even as she said those words, the gravity didn't hit until much later. I didn't think it mattered but it did.

A LOT.

We were good enough friends for me to pour almost all my woes to her -- work, school, friendship, relationship matters, she's probably been through them all. Until recently, things shuffled and work demands piled on me. We didn't spend as much time as we did before. But she's always been there. And I must have taken it for granted.

Then she said she was leaving.

Just leaving from where she is right now.

I didn't probe because if I was to be told, I would be.

The dynamics of our relationship has always been me telling her stuff. She was my listening ear. My grumbling confidant. She never seemed to have any problems, or even if she did, it wasn't something she would share openly. I respect that and it didn't matter to me. She may not be perfect, but she always tried her best for me and I never did tell her how much I appreciated that.

I'm sorry for all the times I was difficult.

I don't know what else to say except that I am filled with a kind of unexplained sadness. It's not like we'd never meet again forever, but I guess things will really be different.

I am on my own now.

I really hope, from the bottom of my heart, that whatever she needs to do, wherever she needs to go will not take too long.

Because I am going to miss her very very much.

Cherries and all things nice

If you ask me what my favorite colour is, the first thing that pops up would be white. Yet one good friend mentioned some time ago that I really like the colour red. Strange it never seemed to occur to me that is my favourite colour, although, indeed, my car is red, my wallet is red, my handphone strap has red and I do get attracted to all things red.

Like cherries.

The other day I saw one makeup artiste put on these lovely cherry dangling earrings. "They're only 40 cents! From Bangkok!" she exclaims. I was like, wow, pretty good stuff. Must be me and red.

And now, I find myself getting very drawn to LV's Cerise. I don't buy them, I just look at them and find the animated cherries on the leather very adorable! Do you know they actually have expressions?

Maybe I'm subtly in the Valentine's mood, where you know, all things red that comes in pairs tend to steal the limelight.

Speaking of V-Day, I passed by a chocolate store today which has a mouth-watering display of muffins and apple crumble pies and brownies. The muffins really make you want to pick them up cos' they look so pretty and neat. A girl was with her boyfriend standing next to me, and I knew they were kind of discussing whether to get something from the display. Eventually, I heard the guy tell the counter staff he wants a regular muffin. Then the girl kind of nudged him and he switched it to a chocolate one instead. Honestly, both looked equally good, but I wonder if it's just looks.

I carried that little episode with me and wondered when was the last time I was out just walking around with a guy and bought me a snack or treat because I wanted. Days when I went out because I had nothing else important to do. Days when I could just hang around, window shop, eat, at my own leisurely pace with someone to share the moment with. These days, I'm out because I have to. I'm shopping because there is something I need to buy. I'm eating because I'm hungry and need to. And I realise, there's no joy in doing things because you need to. Once in a while, it's fun to just do something you don't have to, but simply because you can.

That day will come soon, right after March 16.

Meanwhile, it's bedtime, before the sun rises.

Post-Cursive

California Bistro @ Esplanade
I hate the green wall. How jarring!



From left to right:
Lydia, Xuying, Yixin, Moi, Claire, Ashley, Colin, Gavin, Paul

The group of contemporary drama students had to go for a performance and write about it. Fortunately, or unfortunately, dear Paul was going for this one and we were all somewhat compelled to attend too. Post-performance of Cursive, which was a dance by a Taiwanese group, inspired by the strokes of caliigraphy, someone suggested getting a drink before heading off to their respective appointments. One was meeting friends to chill, one was going to some chalet and the rest I think were going home.

Lydia, I must emphasise, reminds me a whole lot of our Miss Singapore 2001 Jaime Teo.



She has the energy and spunk I'm terribly envious of. For someone 2 years younger than me, I reckon she's normal, I'm not.

I figured I've got a lot going for me this year, so I'm not worried about it at all. Successful people work really hard to get where they are. And many sacrifices have to be made. Now at least by July this year, I will have something to be proud of, for I can declare my hard work for 4 years has paid off with my degree and second uppers (hopefully).

With the paper qualification securely tucked under my belt, there won't be anything I need to worry about by then except hone my craft and pursue my profession.

It'll all be worth it.

Let the radiance and spunk come through then.

Now, it's pure grit and shit.

More Valentine's Day mush

My Dream Girl

She's the girl of your dreams, an angel who breathes life into your soul. Tug her heartstrings with this sky blue bouquet of pure white roses that emulates her ethereal beauty & heavenly countenance. Make her heart ring with melodious joy as you confess your unfailing admiration & perpetual love.

See how enticing the ad sounds? And it costs S$79.90 for that bouquet!

Much as I lament about all these Valentine's Day mush that is hitting me like hail strikes the earth, I still never delete the emails without opening them, because deep inside, I like to look at pretty things.

Ain't so special

Be it in snail mail or email, I have been receiving promotional brochures and e-ads on Valentine's Day promotions at some restaurant or hotel. This is really getting on my nerves.

I mean, why can't they offer these attractive local hotel packages during other months? Are they trying to get everyone to conceive in the month of February so that there'll be a crop of newborns in December?

While hotels and restaurants devise all sorts of gimmicks to get the man to spend on Valentine's Day, what is supposedly a romantic gesture of bonding in some love suite becomes something everyone else is doing next door. And imagine walking into a restaurant with 50 other couples eating the same 10-course Valentine's Day special dinner as you would be having. It's hardly my idea of a romantic date really since what is supposedly unique is no longer so because pretty much nothing else is available on February 14 except "specials" that aren't so special.

I have nothing against couples who take up these offers during Valentine's Day and I'm not out to ruin commercial interests, but I think it's just pathetic when everyone does the same thing on the same day - which reminds me of a scene from Stepford Wives where everything is beautiful and perfect it's so unreal. For that one day, couples rekindle or reinforce their love, depending on how you see it. In fact, on the very same night, the whole "love-is-in-the-air" atmosphere will slowly fizzle out and end with a pop.

There was one year I had a dinner special at Hilton Hotel on Valentine's Day. The tables had special paper tissue as table cloth and some glitter stuff thrown on it with a stalk of rose for the lady. As the night drew to an end, and the dining crowd thinned, waiters wrapped up the glitter and the leftovers on the tables with the paper tissue, and then replaced the table with their usual dining cloth and table accessories. It was such a cold wake-up call that all the pretty things that were used to symbolise romantic love was crushed and discarded within that few hours. Suddenly, life returns to normal the following day. Unlike Christmas, where the decorations were gradually removed so it kind of slips away quietly, Valentine's Day is really just a few-hours affair, usually starting from 6pm - 11 pm if it's a weekday and probably slightly later if it's a weekend.

Now if I could, I would be introducing packages and dinner specials for singles and friends. It would be a good idea to offer singles attractive hotel stays because after all, most lament the pains of seeing throngs of hand-holding, bouqet-carrying couples. So it'd be perfect for them to get away from the couples and spend some time alone, indulging and pampering themselves. Alternatively, create a special menu and throw open the restaurant to Friends Only - No Couples allowed. That way, a bunch of single friends can get together, enjoy a unique menu for dinner, without disturbing the peace of couples. And who knows, within the same restaurant, one bunch of singles might meet another bunch of singles and something might come out of nothing?

Ha, how brilliant!

But oh well, till there's really some place and some thing for singles to engage in without being reminded of sickeningly loving duos plugging streets and restaurants and hotels, their best option is to stay at home and watch a DVD.

I highly recommend "A Series of Unfortunate Events".

Go on, wallow in self-pity.