CNY 2006

Some people I only meet once a year and so little says so much. Like this cousin of mine whom I find the cutest of the lot!

I do envy big families who get together several times in a year, be it celebrate someone's birthday or take a boat to some kelong or just chill at someone's place, because I don't have such a close-knitted extended family.

I used to have the privilege of being part of such a gathering and it really amazes me how a group of adults can all find the time to bring their kids and fix up a time to have supper at Jalan Kayu or some cafe along Upper East Coast. Distance really pose no boundaries with this group of people because they would go anywhere just to get together. And getting together is always a big affair because there will be three, four cars full of people, looking for parking places or just liasing with one another where the place is.

On these outings, I've never at any point felt awkward or out of place. I've never been treated like I'm some super-star celebrity, (maybe because they've got a bigger star in the family) nor do they treat me like I don't belong there. Sure, once in a while, they are concerned about my line of work, but it is more likely out of courtesy that they're asking rather than curiosity. So honestly, I've always enjoyed myself.

If it was a gathering at someone's place, the adults will play mahjong or some card game that involve as many people as possible, and the kids will find some ways to entertain themselves. It's always full of fun, laughter and cheer. That is not to say every member of this family have no misgivings against anyone else. Every family will bound to have siblings who don't particularly like the attitude and style of another, but it has never been a major issue in this family.

Every CNY, I spend more time with them than my own extended family. This year's CNY has unfortunately toned down to a much quieter affair for me. On a deeper level, I wished I was in Beijing as I had intended to, instead of being reminded of what CNY was like in previous years and missing all the hype and noise.

I'm not sure I'm going to look forward to CNY in the coming year if it is going to be a repeat of this year because really, it is almost just another public holiday, with the exception of being treated with ang pows and new year goodies.

Nonetheless, I hope it's been good for everyone else.

Love

Not too long ago, I watched an entire series of a Taiwanese idol drama on dvd. I was so drawn into the simple, tear-jerking plot because the drama started with a pair of kids that hit my tender nerve.

It began with Boy meets Girl in an orphanage. Boy gets adopted and promised he'd look for Girl when they grew up. Years went by, Boy had a good upbringing in a rich and influential household and was set to take over the family business, even though there was an authentic eldest Daughter in the family. Girl went to a less well-off family and lived a simple, carefree but none to easy life. By some bizarre coincidence, Boy meets Girl again and while he knew who she was, she didn't know who he was. Boy embarked on the journey to look after Girl and fulfilled his promise to her. But of course, things didn't stop there. Daughter hated Boy because she was secondary heir to the business despite being the only real child. Yet eventually, because of Boy's capability and leadership qualities, Daughter began to fall in love with Boy. Boy was torn between pursuing his true love (Girl) and fulfilling his duties as adopted son by marrying into the family he was brought up in. Daughter was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Her last wish was to have Boy with her. Boy was compelled to marry her and had to put his love for Girl on hold. It took him several painful decisions and more than a year, before he could finally reconcile his love with Girl.

Love stories always get into me, and cheesy as it might be, the emotions felt can get so real. Daughter knew that Boy didn't love her, and that his one true love was Girl, yet even though she couldn't possess his heart, she was contented to have him physically by her side. Boy, being the nice guy he is, did not want to break Daughter's heart especially before she died, and so agreed to try and love her, which he did, but it was perhaps a different type of love from Girl. He would look after her and care for her, spend time with her and bring her to places where she wanted to go. Simply put took up the responsibility of making her last days as happy as possible, even though his heart really belonged to someone else.

If you ask me, I really don't know where the joy is, to have someone but not have someone.

Just the other day, a friend commented that we shouldn't be with someone just because he did something that moved us or proved himself worthy of our love. Because if we did end up with the guy, it would be out of sympathy rather than love. That is why sometimes the guy can be such a bastard, you know it, but you still want to be with him. And for this, I know another friend who's in such a situation. Well, maybe that's what love is about. At least, that was my friend's take on it.

If given a choice, I'd rather give the guy up than have him take me out of sympathy. I find no bliss nor happiness in possessing the person because the heart is what matters to me. He doesn't need to be here with me all the time, but if his heart is, it's enough to make me glow with contentment. But of course, there are people like Daughter, who doesn't mind it one bit because at least it allowed her to live out her illusions.

Whatever it is, in this age, love has become a somewhat overused term because it does mean so much yet does so little.

Do people get together out of love? Or is it game of winning over by sympathy?
Do people get married out of love? Or because it only seemed natural to do so?
Do people make babies out of love? Or because there are benefits to be reaped?

It's sad when you slip into the "natural order" of things without love, because love is such a beautiful concept in the appropriate sense. It is the fundamental element for the sustenance of any relationship because if there is love, there will always be a way out of things no matter how dire they seem.

Endnote:
I was standing all alone against the world outside
You were searching, for a place to hide
Lost and lonely, now you've given me the will to survive
When we're hungry, love will keep us alive
Don't you worry, sometimes you just gotto let it ride
The world is changing, right before your eyes
Now I've found you, there's no more emptiness inside
When we're hungry, love will keep us alive

Exactly what I mean.

English Foundation

I met up with an editor the other day to discuss about the potential of working together for the book I'm trying to put together. Naturally, even though he was way older than me, I was the client, and for once in my life, it began to feel like I was talking business with him. He tried to convince me that he was suitable for the job by giving me his background, his experience and even emailing some of the stuff he had edited or were written about him.

I asked him about his interest in the English language, and he went on to explain how he had a good grounding since primary school. For in his days, the natural scholastic path taken by the better students were Pearl's Hill, Outram and Raffles. At that time, he had British English teachers who taught them subject-verb conjugation and all the technicalities of the English language that we are no longer familiar with today.

I'm not saying our local teachers are not good, but even during my primary school days, I didn't know what an adjective, verb and noun was until Primary 5. I'm not sure what it's like for the primary school children now.

"What have you been learning if not the basics?" was the question posed to us by my Primary 5 English teacher then, who was flabbergasted by the class's poor grasp of the language. Gee, I don't know, I learnt whatever the teachers taught me, and obviously, we weren't exposed to that in Primary 1.

After speaking to the editor, I envied him for the strong English foundation he received. For a big part of my adolescent years, I had wanted to be a writer, but I am disappointed at my own poor command of the language to think I'm even qualified. It's like you want to be a research scientist at Biopolis but only had combined science education. Sure, these days, you've got spell check and I could always employ an editor to help me clean up the grammar and sentence structure, but you can't have someone conjure up sentences for you to express what you wanted to say. A writer must have a good command of the language for effective communication of ideas, so there's no misunderstanding of expression. Like the whole Eat Shoots And Leaves example.

All the more it reinforced my belief that my child next time should be home schooled. A British teacher for English, a Beijing teacher for Chinese, a French teacher for French, a Japanese teacher for Japanese. The only concern I have with the whole home schooling idea is how the child will lack social interaction with kids his or her age, which is not healthy. I guess when I become a mom, there'd be many battles I'd have to fight -- breast milk or formula milk, single-ed or co-ed, jc or poly, local or foreign university and so on. Oh well, that will come later.

The editor told me that many of his classmates then will soon be gone, and I secretly worry if that meant the loss of a generation who had a strong grasp of the English language. I seriously doubt much of that has been passed on down to the later generations because based on my very general sweeping observation, teenagers nowadays are so used to using sms-msn language, I'm not even sure they can form a sentence to show the difference between active and passive voice.

Maybe the whole education system here needs an overhaul. And because we've already had generations of teachers who graduated without a good foundation of the language, the MOE should invest in bringing in language experts to train all teachers, or send them overseas for attachment. Because with a good command of the English language, it becomes easier to understand even Physics questions and Math problem sums. And when this batch of children eventually step into the society, not only will they be equipped with adequate writing skills, they will not have problems conversing with foreign clients and being understood clearly.

Then there is hope to eradicate the whole Singlish phenomenon.

Till then, we can only remain Uniquely Singapore.

Tailgated

I think it's an ego thing in some male drivers. They just can't seem to take it lying down if some car zooms past them. Especially if they think that their car is a meaner and more powerful machine than the one that just zipped past.

I met a fucking bastardy Subaru driver today.

Please pardon my language since they're the kindest adjectives I could find in the dictionary of idoit drivers.

The story goes like this.

I was late for class because I was held up at work. I certainly wasn't driving like I was going to the beach on a Sunday so you can imagine the number of times my headlights flashed at some crawling taxi and right signal came on while I was on the first lane. The FB was way ahead of me in the first lane, maintaining an average speed. I drove right past him on the second lane and kept to it since there weren't any cars around and I was already going at the limit. The FB either thought I was trying to show off, or he was trying to prove he's got too much tucked on his seat below the steering wheel. Whatever it was, he suddenly cut out from lane 1, and came right behind me. I thought he was going to overtake me and cut into lane 1 which was empty but no, there was no fun in that. Besides, I guess he didn't want to face the humiliation of losing out to me if I did decide to take him on a race. So he chose to do the most annoying thing -- tailgate.

He came up really close and that wasn't enough. The car surged forward at me like he was going to run me over. I couldn't see anything except half his windscreen. It really amazed me how he could come this close and yet not hit me. I should have just jammed on the brakes and let him ram into me because I'm sure if I did an E-brake, there was no way he would have swerved out in time without scraping my ass the very least.

I really couldn't be bothered to race him because that was never my intention but boy was I mad at his rougish behaviour.

And no I didn't get his license plate number because his car isn't exactly a head-turner, and there really wasn't a need to devote such attention to a road bully.

It's weird how men are such insecure creatures hidden behind the hardness of metal. They tend to feel threatened by their own imagination, and then take it to be someone else's intent. I was not trying to prove anything with my car, but I guess he saw a need to make himself noticed by me.

Which by the way, is an outright pathetic attempt if you're trying to show off your car's power or your driving capabilities because really, if you're that good, you'd be fronting a F1 V8 engine and making headlines in Sports News and not chugging along 90km/h roads in Singapore in a cheap Subaru.

Bread Lover

Finally, I slept to my fill for a single day. That means rushing home right after work on a Saturday night, skipping dinner and all other chores, and hit straight to bed at 8pm. I woke up at 12am without the alarm, feeling wide awake, because after all, my body has gotten used to 4-hr sleep cycle. Still, I went to get a sip of water and popped right back into bed to make sure I sleep. Which I did and so today I woke up feeling that wave of fatigue knocking off.

Yay.

I never did think I would say this, but I am such a bread lover. Now it seems I'm sussing out the best places that serve decent sandwiches. You'd be surprised, but I think Coffee Bean's gourmet sandwiches are quite yummy. I had the Chipotle Roast Chicken on Panini bread 2 days ago. Of course you can have a choice of bread, but this is their usual, which is soft and perfect for those who hate the European-type hard-like-rock type of bread.

At Olio Dome, I tried the Salmon Special sandwich on Muti-grain which really doesn't rank very high on my sandwich list because the bread is a little tasteless. When I think multi-grain, I would expect to find more grain in it the way Sunshine's Multi-grain bread looks. If you ask me, Olio Dome probably has a good ambience but they need to buck up in terms of food. For $11.90 I don't know what I'm paying for really!

Then there's my second all-time favourite Cedele Bakery Depot. I never used to think much of this place until the Lavendar Almond Cookie encounter at the airport. I packed a sandwich on board then which was some Roast Chicken with cranberry sauce. It was a huge huge portion, way bigger than Olio, and although I didnt get a choice of bread, the one I had was good. It's the sort you can eat it plain and it doesn't matter. The only thing is, it's the hard type which meant you really have to chew to savour it. Which really doesn't matter to me. Perhaps it's the cranberry sauce, I'm not a fan of jams despite being a cranberry lover, and it tasted quite like a huge dollop of jam, so it got a little too sweet after a while I wished I had asked them to leave the sauce out.

I remembered when I was in Melbourne doing Wish You Were Here, we went to this hotel at Yarra Valley to shoot the rooms. I can't remember the name of that place except that in one of the rooms, there's a huge tree trunk on the outside which looks like the leg of an elephant. We had lunch there and I remembered there was a type of bread (was it Turkish bread?) that was absolutely divine. Now if you ask me, I can't remember how it looked nor how it tasted, but I only remembered it was so good, I had so much of it! I doubt my fellow co-star would recollect since he was way too engrossed in his crossword puzzle to pay attention to the spread in front of us.

Now, my ultimate all-time favourite with zero complaints other than the occasional service issue, is non-other than our humble Subway. Yesss...anything on Parmesan Oregano bread is fine but pls exclude all vegetables except cucumbers, tomatoes and lettuce and no dressing except salt and pepper. It's healthy, it's compact (you know how some sandwiches are so huge, you need a knife and fork to eat it? Cedele's a bit like that) and it's gratifying to the very last bite.

Then comes the cookie bit.

Want me to do anything, just bribe me with a cookie.

Or so I told the PA on our drama set.

Filming can be rather frustrating sometimes and the only joy I get is the lunch and dinner breaks. Not because so I can eat, but because it meant we could take a proper 1-hour break from the pains of working. That's why I hate it when it's shortened to half an hour. I want to be able to eat slowly and then rest a bit before heading right back to work. Is that too much to ask? Am I being a diva to expect that?

I just don't think it's productive to rush everyone through their meals and then hurry back to finish off. It's like recharging batteries. Give it a good complete recharge, and you can make them work longer even though it meant having to leave them in the socket for 8 hours. Now because of your impatience, you take them out after 2 hours of charging, and work them so you can maximise your time, you'd soon realise the batteries wear out much quicker. We aren't that much different.

So yes, in situations like that, I get miffed and nobody except probably the PA notices, since everyone else is too caught up in their own work and rushing through the scenes for the day to really care about the feelings of actors. I am not being difficult, but I just believe there are some things that we should be entitled to within reasonable limits, and having a proper 1 hour lunch or dinner break in between a 12-hour (in this case it's usually 14 hours considering the proven track record of overrunning) work schedule is not too much to ask for is it?

When I know that I will not be given the entitlement, I treat myself to something that would make me happy. So yes, a Subway peanut butter cookie would be the answer to my annoyance at a lack of welfare.

To that wonderful friend who bought me some cookies yesterday, thank you very much. It made everything much more bearable even though it meant I had to skip dinner. *LOL*

French Rain

I love the rain.

It's not just perfect weather to keep me indoors and let me indulge in my own favourite activities, it's perfect for inspiration to pelt at my saturated brain.

Book of the day: Lipstick Jungle by Candace Bushnell
Album of the day: Comme Ci Comme Ca by Janet Seidel

Except that as much as I'd like to sit here, stare at the empty highway ahead of me, feel the breeze caressing my face and start working on completing my 5 person-scene since Playwriting times, I need to get my FYP sorted and prepare for my scenes later on.

Yes, we aren't spared from public holidays.

French is such a beautiful language. I've been bombarded by French stuff the last couple of days because one of the main locations for my drama is a French-owned gift shop which sells a piece of cutlery for $24SGD. Listening to the owners communicate in this foreign tongue suddenly drew out the very basic french I learnt during Year 1. I was trying to comprehend, but obviously my meagre bank of vocabulary wasn't particularly helpful. But as with any language, the more you listen, the faster you catch on, like me and Cantonese. I still can't speak, but my understanding has greatly improved since having to work with Hong Kong actor and director. So now, at least I can guess the point of dialogue. And Janet Seidel sings half her songs in English and French, so there, I'm dipped in some small part of French culture.

Yet French is a language that isn't really that practical for me since I have no friends and relatives from there, or have any intentions of marrying a French husband and live in a castle far away from home. And I seriously doubt any of our programmes here would ever be telecasted in France, so chances of us having to go on promotional tours is almost zero. Almost, because there's always that 0.01% chance.

The only way I think the language might come in handy is if I get to star in a French movie the way Fann did in a German movie. Ahh...then I can build camaradarie with the French audience. Or maybe if they get a French actor to star in our local dramas. Then I can serve as the translator. Otherwise, all that Alliance Francais courses will probably just hit the drain and sloshed away in the sewage. Which is very expensive rubbish if you ask me. There certainly is no harm learning another language, (in case I ever get to go on Amazing Race, I won't have trouble asking for directions and help), but not being able to use it or actually be exposed to an environment to reinforce the proficiency really doesn't make it financially worth.

So I'll just be contented with admiring it from afar.

As with everything else, you don't need to possess to enjoy it.

I'm happy with the little I can have.

That's what matters.

Happy Public Holiday!

Of crowds

I don't why but suddenly I wish I was back in Beijing, back to the back alley where I loitered on Christmas Day. Stalls selling all kinds of snacks and people just filling in and out of the little shops. Smelling cooked food, hearing Chinese pop blasting through stereos. I think I'd appreciate Taipei, cos' I've heard, it is quite a shopping and food haven. Even Hong Kong. Except I think I'll end up banging on the doors of Marie France when I come back from there.

Maybe it's because my contact with the outside world since the year started is pretty much restricted to less than 20 people that's why I feel like doing something different. I wake up in the dark when everyone is sleeping, film scenes at one of the most exclusive residential areas of Singapore with hardly anyone around, and then return home when it's dark again. So imagine how claustrophobic I felt when I went to Carrefour today and had to on several occasions, do an a-la-Christy-Chung, by sliding between trolleys haphazardly parked by shoppers browsing items.

Speaking of crowds, the papers today carried an article on how a girl was molested on New Year's Eve by a bunch of revellers. Well that's the reason why I rather creep into bed with a good book and a mug of hot chocolate, or a good dvd and a Subway sandwich with peanut butter cookie (think about the calories in the new year). How can soaking in a crowd of revellers be any fun I don't understand. And too many men go there, to hopefully grab, grope and run. The worse thing is, it isn't that difficult to get away with it.

Instead of petitioning against the sale of spray foam and other party tools, my advice: take your celebration elsewhere.

You can't change the environment to suit yourself but you can change yourself to suit the environment.

I'm suddenly overcome by a wave of fatigue.

Bonsoir.

Flying without Wings

I'm launching into another panic attack.

Which in this instance feels pretty much like trying to fly without wings.

The feelings of exasperation, desperation and futility.

I didn't think a 12-hour work shift would drain the energy out of me. Duracell can't keep the bunny going. I finished my first day at work totally exhausted, I lost all appetite and mental focus to work on anything else except climb into bed and get ready to wake at 5am tomorrow.

Yes, I need to wake at 5am in order to get to work at 630am so I could set off punctually at 8am.

So now, if I end my day like a mangled orange squeezed till no pulp's left, how am I going to find time to:

1. Go to the gym -- lose weight, keep fit
2. Attend lessons/do assignments -- final semester
3. Lias with people -- for FYP-related issues
4. Post-production -- the actual putting together of a book and exhibition in time for the absolute March 16 deadline.

Sigh.

To make it worse, my co-star is helluva GORGEOUS with a capital G, and as I expected, straight out from Japanese anime comic book. Chiselled face, sharp chin, defined nose, fair skin, long brown floppy hair, and a icy-cool yet not turned-off attitude. He can make heads turn 360 degrees just waltzing across the carpark from our bus to the void deck, I can't imagine what it's like during lunch at hawker centres. The lad draws so much attention, he can wear A-pek shorts and still make skirts drop with the flick of his hair.

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating, but I'm sure if looks can kill, my entire life won't be enough for me to die to even be standing an arm's length from him, much less have him piggy-back me in one of the scenes.

Having said that, he IS really pretty, but that's all there is to it. Eye candy, good to look at, perfect school-girl crush idol. Fortunately, I'm way beyond all that. So there's no chance you'll catch me entertaining any fantasies of him. Just because I think someone is good-looking doesn't mean I'm smitten. So if your papparazzi-radar is going off, save it for some other time, because both he and I don't stand a chance.

My point is, it is terribly stressful starring against someone so gorgeous, because think of it as him being Harry's Invisible Cloak and me being Harry. With the cloak, no one will ever notice you. Which isn't really the point in a drama is it? So I'm launching into a panic attack because one of the five hundred and forty six thousandth tasks I have to do (with such a lack of time) is to sleep early and look pretty.

Sigh.

Recall one of my new year resolutions: I will not give up easily. I need to get disciplined and hit the gym even though I'm feeling like a lousy sack of potatoes and I much rather stuff myself with Ruffles while watching Project Runway. With so many good-looking people flooding my social circle, getting slimmer and trimmer and sexier and younger, I know I can't afford to be complacent. I need to constantly look 10 years younger. So by the time I'm 32, I won't look and feel and talk like a sagging bag of bones who scorns at everything and anything.

In fact, I should start now.

So I shall end here.

Good night.

Wish List

I would think I'm someone easily satisfied when it comes to receiving gifts. True, I have everything that I need, and it's almost difficult to find something that I would need and not have but some things never go wrong.

1. Books
I wish Borders was bigger. I'm thinking Fox Bookstore in the movie "You've Got Mail". It's a massive building with several storeys and wonderful decor. I'm a sucker for carpeted bookstores because they convey a kind of coziness, which is ideal for just lounging and browsing new books. Browsing books as gifts is a tedious task because it's not just about picking off the best seller or the one with the most appealing cover design. It's about reading the jacket of the book, the first and last chapter and knowing that the topic and style is appropriate, interesting or would be helpful for whoever the receipient is. So when someone buys me a book, I would think significant thought has been put into it. Easy to follow cookbooks, contemporary literature, or interesting content (for e.g. Over the Blue Yonder, Eat Shoots Leaves, Urban Legends etc) would be fine. The point is, I will read regardless.

Worse to worse, a book voucher is the safest bet.

2. Accessories
A girl can never have enough accessories. Be it handphone straps, charm keyrings, handphone covers, jewellery, belts, ankle socks, pouches, these are things that will always come in handy at some point.

3. Cute stuff
I'm a sucker for cartooney things. Call me a kid but yes, I like unique, interesting soft toys like Wally, Congo and Gladys. Cartoon-embroideried or printed pouches will always be useful. I have too many knick knacks to lug around. Otherwise, if you spot a unique musical carousel, that'll be a treat.

4. Home accessories
Candle burners, small vases, mugs, teapots, tumblers, beaded small lamps, storage boxes (of all designs), lint removers are practical gifts even if I'm not throwing a house warming party. In fact, all those lovely tins of food, candy or sweet from Harrods are one of the things I find pretty and extremely recyclable.

I'm looking forward to my birthday already.

New Year chimes.

Full Circle

Full Circle

The New Year brings you brand new tasks

Distance will test if our feelings will last

For you I'd be here waiting patiently

On the carousel's full circle I know you'd come back to me

New Year Resolutions

I'm totally not into the mood to write anything intelligent or funny, so if it comes it comes.

The New Year is here officially, but it really is just another day for some people, who still have to drive buses, operate MRTs, stand guard outside condominiums and serve you your New Year's Eve dinner special.

It seems traditional to make New Year resolutions before the New Year arrives. I think I've stopped making them since I was in JC2. At that stage, I would be out counting down with friends. This year, I feel I've outgrown all that partying and joining throngs of strangers in embracing the New Year. Not that I was a party animal to begin with exceptions the one or two special occasions. Even then, I was always a mellow audience in that smoke-infused, alcohol-drugged environment. Now, I much prefer to spend it quietly with people close to my heart. Have a pot luck, or stay-in with a good dvd and a 12 foot Subway sandwich. To be shared.

Since I'm at this, maybe I should list my 2006 resolutions:

1. I will be patient
Too many things have happened to me this year, especially in the later half, that have caused much anger, grief, bitterness, distress, frustration, exasperation, all of which snowballed, creating a period I call Great Depression. Not just me, but it seems that even some of those close to me have less tolerance and shorter tempers. Everyone snaps at one another easily. So did I. Note the past tense. This year will be different.

2. I will have greater willpower
The Great Depression has greatly shaken me up, knocked down the pillars that hold up my willpower and make me want to give up easily. For example when I'm working out. I have difficulty fooling my body into pushing the running speed one notch higher. My timing has slowed horrendously. I'm disgusted.

3. I will forget the past
The Great Depression is over. I repeat -- OVER. The tears shed on the 31 December 2005 will be the last. For such a war-torn zone, only time will repair the damage. No amount of negotiation will solve anything.

4. I will have faith, trust
Believe that a new beginning will hold out, even though it will be a path laden with obstacles and traps to put the collaborated journey to the test. Only faith and trust can bridge the distance in between.

I figured one can't make too many resolutions, otherwise you'd lose track of them before they even get realised.

So here's a cyber toast to all New Year resolutions.

Happy 2006.