Copious Space

As I sit here, it feels like a waste of time typing my blog instead of reading up on Copyright or even studying for my mid-year exam coming up after the September break. Or in fact, the time could be better spent researching on top 10 beach resorts for an assignment or maybe even just grab my S3 pro, head out and do some snapping. Yet my body is wilting with lethargy, my mind atrophying. I look at my calendar for the week and for the first time since a long time, I feel completely wiped out. Defeated. I pride myself for time management, for looking on the bright side even when a matrix of conundrum surfaces but today, I can't bring myself to do anything except sit and wait.

I haven't felt like giving up for a long time, it just doesn't seem like me to and I'm ashamed I'm thinking so cowardly. Who cares? In my head, all i want to do now is to run away, where no one knows who I am and what I do. Do whatever I want, whenever I want until the consternation wears off. And I'll return to the real world and face the music.

Perhaps too much has happened in the past months. I thought I could bury myself up in school and work but at the end of the day, when I'm tired of working at the computer, of putting on the smiles and makeup, there's a capacious void, that nothing seems to fill.

Someone told me I have everything, from career to degree to money to love, and yet I choose to walk this ardous journey alone. Why won't I let someone take my hand, ease my fatigue or pick me up when I fall?

I laughed. Which girl doesn't want someone to lean on? Who doesn't want to just let go of the responsibilities, expectations, commitments once in a while and have someone at the other end to confide and seek solace from?

Not that I don't want to, but I guess I'm just not sure, that the person who wants to walk with me, is the person I want to have by my side. Sure, I have friends, but there are some tender spots in the heart that friendship cannot enrich. Maybe that's where it hollows out. For now since I've chosen to embark on this solo expedition, I know I got to pick myself up and keep going.

The meadows and daisy gardens are best left to be embraced in my dreams.